Preface: I believe prescribed medication can be a wonderful tool that works for so many people. Do not take any medication (prescription or otherwise) without consulting your doctor & doing a shit-ton of research first. I also believe in the power of therapy, exercise, self-care, weighted blankets (I has one!) and support animals (I has one too!) Some of these things are trial and error, but please research all your options first. Also, please do not get high and drive.

It’s January 2020, and I’m just about coming up on the 1 year anniversary of starting therapy.

When I sought out therapy in 2019, I was majorly stuck and fed up with where I was at mentally. Overwhelmed, burned out, anxious, more depressed than usual and starting to slip back into some unsafe mindsets. It also didn’t help that we had lost both my Grandmother & her long time boyfriend in the previous two months. That was what finally motivated me to go.

I had taken anti-depressants before, in 2014 about 9 months after our 3rd kid was born. Zoloft. It helped… Sort of. I wasn’t sad any more, but I also went back to my neutral depressive state of nothingness. Someone (I think it was Jenny Lawson) described it as: Feeling the ghosts of emotions, like you know its there but you can’t really feel it. That was how I had felt for 10 years, but didn’t realize it was an issue to only feel disinterested or anxious. The side effects, however, were the worst part. For 4 weeks I was sad, nauseous, and had migraines while my body adjusted to this medication. Pop up to 2019 when my therapist’s office prescribed me Welbutrin (for the depression) & Vyvanse(ADD.)

The Welbutrin gave me facial tics. Big ones. And migraines. I tried to stick with it, but wasn’t noticing any change in my mood, just uncontrollable movement in my face. The Vyvanse curbed my appetite so intensely that I would eat maybe once a day. Now I understand why our oldest child didn’t thrive on it. It also really didn’t help my ADD at all, and when I asked to be put on Adderrall, they refused to get the pre-approval from my insurance. I still don’t really understand why, but I’m chalking it up to the fact that my older two children were prescribed it at the time, and they probably thought I would become an Adderall dealer to all the soccer moms of Northern California. Whatever!

I was done with the side effects. I was also done with not being heard. I left that therapist, and started doing my own research into alternative medications. It seemed like a lot of people were having success with not only CBD for anxiety, but THC & micro-dosing psychedelics were showing some promise in the realm of mental health. The idea of psychedelics made me uncomfortable because I don’t like being out of control, so I started with pure CBD (only affects the body, does not make you “feel high.”) It helped a little, but not as substantially as I hoped (for some this is not the case, and they have great success!) Turns out, because I have a tolerance to THC, I needed to have a different CBD to THC ratio for it to have an impact. Since then, I have found that if I use CBD products with a ratio of 18:1 (High CBD, with a minor amount of THC, but not enough for any psychoactive effects) work perfectly for me in situations where I’m experiencing anxiety. Something else I did was gave up alcohol. I realized after a massive depressive episode, that I’ll discuss in a future post, that even one drink would send me spiraling emotionally (did you know that alcohol is a natural depressant? Surprise!)

After giving CBD a try, I decided to try THC for my depression. THC is what causes the brain to “feel high” (does have psychoactive effects.) I started with edibles, which, let me just say: If you have ZERO or little experience with marijuana: Start small. Do not go all in on that ish. You will have mighty regrets! In fact, if you’re considering using marijuana recreationally OR medically, go to a dispensary and discuss your needs with an educated employee. I (thankfully) didn’t have any negative affects. Quite the opposite, actually. I could feel joy again! Something I hadn’t felt in a very long time. I told my new therapist, who I found through Talkspace (not sponsored, but holler at your girl!) and she was very supportive. She could tell it was starting to bring me some relief, as were our chats. Eventually I explored vaping cartridges (the legit ones, not the ones that will give you lung disease) and drops, and that is where I have landed at the moment. I’ve also researched using a water vaporizer for straight marijuana flower, because that is a safer alternative to vaping cartridges. The cartridges are just easier at the moment, because I can better control how much I have in my system and how long those effects last, where as with edibles, you better be ready to sleep immediately or have zero plans to go anywhere because honey you are stuck to that couch with your weighted blanket with all your snacks!

Now, I know some disapproving readers will say, “YOU HAVE KIDS! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS WITH THEM PRESENT?!? CALL CPS!” Calm your butts, folks. For starters: The Dude does not partake. This is a me party. I do not get high with my kids present. I do it at bed time, which actually really helps my anxiety insomnia. The CBD I will happily use any time I have a social interaction that I’m feeling anxious about, and it really has done wonders. I’m convinced it helps my ADD brain, because I’m able to think and communicate more clearly when I use it. I’m not a scientist though, so what do I know? Just my personal experience.

Most recently (within the past two weeks), I’ve realized that I’ve been able to feel NORMAL feelings in a major way, and not my normal depressive ones in I don’t know how long. One of my major depression mindsets was: “My family would be better if I just left. If my husband fell in love with someone else, that would just be better for everyone else, and that’s okay.” I didn’t feel sad about it, I just felt that way. Now I’m like, “Fuck that! I’m an amazing mom and wife, even on my bad days when I can’t get off the couch, and I’d be saying “Bye Bitch” with my best Lizzo cackle if that man tried to dip.” (For reference, he never would. He’s a precious angel of a man, and I am extremely blessed to have him. But I can see my own worth now, which was hidden underneath all my depressive guilt.) I feel joy now, and I still feel sad sometimes, but I’m okay sitting with that & any other negative feeling for a moment, and acknowledging it & why I feel it, then letting it go.

That is some growth right there.

Thank you for taking the time to read this! I’d love to answer any questions anyone has about this post, so feel free to comment, or to DM me via Instagram (@JGVALDEEZY)