Hello! Hi! Yes! Welcome!

TW: In this post we will discuss: Anxiety, ADD, Depression, and suicidal thoughts. Please proceed with caution.

If you don’t already know, my name is Julia and my brain is… Interesting? Not right? Similar to what a anti-gravity room filled with bouncy balls would look like? All of the above.

Let me unpack it a little:

I’ve struggled with anxiety since I was 9 years old. It started out as separation anxiety. I would have to get picked up from sleepovers early, had a hard time going to friend’s houses to play, birthday parties, etc. Then it morphed to just straight up, WTF unpredictable anxiety. I’m a hardcore Disneyland fanatic, and I couldn’t ride anything but the teacups or It’s a Small World during one specific family trip. No rhyme or reason. Even now, I can think back and know that I wasn’t afraid of anything specific… I just couldn’t do it. Somehow, I figured out that if I could visualize an empty white room that was clear of anything or anyone, I could soothe that anxiety. I don’t know where that concept came from, but it still helps me sometimes.

Now, as a full grown 32 year old adult, my anxiety presents in all kinds of ways:

Social: I hate meeting new people, which is sad because I LOVE meeting new people! I’m an extroverted-introvert essentially, but it is anxiety based. I want to go all the places and meet all the people and do all the things, but, I can’t. Thinking about going to an event where I don’t know many people, or even just going to someplace knew makes my body tense up. I have a history of backing out of plans last minute that I reeeeealllly wanted to be a part of, soely because I’m anxious about the situation. Beautiful, glorious friend I haven’t seen in 10 years wants me to come to their party? I would love to! However, even thinking about it [a made-up but has TOTALLY happened scenario] makes my body tense up. I also typically over do it when it comes to relaying information to people, because I’m worried they will forget or not see it.

Personal: My brain doesn’t stop cycling through all the possibilities of what can go wrong. Sometimes, this is great! I’m sure it has saved my life plenty of times. When I’m trying to sleep at night? Not necessarily the time I want to think about situations I can’t control, or past interactions I’ve had where I probably said something stupid and can’t take it back because that would be weird and now EVERYONEPROBABLYHATESME! Another side effect of that would be, insomnia. At least 3 nights a week, I’m awake from 1AM-3:30AM, anxiously mulling over situations I can’t do anything about at that hour. Sometimes, even responding to a simple email or text can completely shut me down.

Another fun aspect of my brain? I have ADD, or, ADHD Inattentive Type as it’s most commonly referred to these days (Don’t ask me why. I don’t know. I don’t love change.) That is why the blog has its name. I have great intentions of doing projects (whether personal or assisting someone else), cleaning my house, getting that blog going, etc. Instead, I more frequently just sit down, completely overwhelmed by the hurdles it will take to accomplish those things, and get sucked into the social media black hole instead! That is almost always my Achilles heel. I’ll have great things planned, then pull out my phone or my laptop, and now it is all down the toilet. I know better! It puts me in an unproductive funk and I just can’t. Or, I’ll have an overwhelming morning getting the kids out the door & off to school (I love you children, but it really is like herding cats) and I simply cannot. Cancel all plans! We are now glued to this couch. I lose something (keys, purse, wallet, phone, my cup of coffee) a minimum of once a day. My house is constantly a mess, not only because I live in a 24/7 circus, but because it’s how my brain functions. If I am working on a project, I need tons of space between wording & to color code ALL THE THINGS, otherwise… It’s done for.

Aaaand finally, the asshole of all assholes: DEPRESSION!

I know her well. I started experiencing depression in high school. You know how it goes; Teen angst an whatnot. But it is real. Now, as I mentioned in the previous post, my depression really peaked in 2013 when I left my horrible job. I gave birth to our 3rd child, and I was… A mess. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized how long I had been this way.

For me, depression manifests as:

• Indifference
• Numbness
• Sadness
• Self-loathing
• Suicidal thoughts (which we will touch on more in another post.)
• Inability to function day-to-day (Not cleaning, showering, barely eating. I could still care for my kids, but it was rough.)

I’m fond of saying, “Depression is a liar and an asshole,” because, it is. Depression makes you feel utterly alone, unloved, unloveable. “Everyone would be better off without me. I should just leave. It would be so much better.” Those were my “normal” thoughts. All the time. Every day. They’re not normal, nor are they correct. You are important. You are loved. This life and this world would not be the same without you.

I finally sought out medication, which I took for 9 months during this part of the story. It did help. It pulled me out from the funk, but held me in a neutral place. I couldn’t feel anything, really, but I knew I felt better in that moment. It helped me realize that I had been suffering from chronic depression for… Years. I couldn’t remember feeling anything other than neutral or negative feelings, or anxious excitement. Pretty wild.

Mental health is a journey. What works for some may not work for you, and vice versa. Therapy is magic. I’m convinced. Unfortunately, with the way health care works in America, it can be really difficult to find a therapist who will take your insurance that isn’t already full on patients. I got a lot of help through Talkspace, mostly because it was convenient for my life at that moment. If you are in need of someone to talk to, here are a some wonderful resources listed here. I’m currently in the best place mentally than I have been in YEARS. My post next week will discuss my journey with traditional & non-traditional medications, and I’m super excited to share it with you!